At The Water's Edge
Looking For Clues 7: Sleepless Nights and Cold Sweats
The thought of going back to university was completely anathema to me. It just wasn't going to happen. I was free at last and about to make my own way in the world, although I wasn't quite sure how. When the summer holidays ended and the income from teaching swimming fell away I needed to find another job. That turned out to be working behind the bar in a theatre. It wasn't great but looking back it was interesting to see "show business" from behind the scenes. It also meant of course that I had some money coming in.
During this period I fell out with my father. This was a difficult time. I was in the midst of trying to "find my way" but I suspect all he could see was the wasted potential of a once promising well-behaved "lay-about / drop-out" son. I guess there were some events on both sides that broke the camel's back and I decided to leave. Luckily the theatre had a tied-in house with a vacant room and I moved into that.
It was a strange, disorientating time. I was free from university but I didn't feel the euphoria that I had two years before. Why? Was it because this time I didn't have the security of knowing that I was going back to university? Was it because the situation was more serious now with it all being down to me now that I was on my own, with no fallback? Was it because I was estranged from my father? During this period, unusually for me, my sleep was disturbed and I would often wake in a cold sweat.
It was a relief that I had a job and was independent but I didn't want to spend the rest of my life as a barman. I felt there was something out there for me but I needed some hint of the direction that I should go in. The only thing I knew was that I got satisfaction from the lyrics I was writing though I didn't know if they were any good in other people's eyes. I also knew that what Richard Bach wrote seemed to have some resonance with me. I read and re-read the books of his that I owned but they didn't tell me anything new and he didn't seem to be writing anymore. However I did find a book called the "The Silva Mind Control Method" which had a endorsement from Bach on the cover. With the scarcity of what I could find from him this was surely a sign that I should read this book! The book was interesting although I was a little suspicious of the "Americanised solution to all your problems" style advertising and wary of being sucked into a cult or similar. As it happens I think the book is probably a seminal text on creative visualisation, which put simply, is the idea that if you "visualise" what you want then it will manifest itself.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Don't leave yet! There are plenty of reasons to think I'm mad but creative visualisation isn't one of them. I can't say that I've ever experienced creative visualisation working for me (although I may just be doing it wrong) nevertheless I thought the book had some interesting things to say about states of mind, in particular relaxed states of mind, alpha brain waves, health and meditation. Whilst finishing talking about the Silva book, I ought to say that although I have no empirical evidence, I think there may be something to the idea of creative visualisation but not in the way people seem to think, more on that later. (Okay, you can leave now...?!)
In a second-hand bookshop I "discovered" another book: The Sky's The Limit by Dr Wayne Dyer. Another American self-help book that I would normally dismiss without consideration. And yet I bought it. Interestingly now when I find people like Dyer on YouTube I still have this feeling of being very wary and wanting to run a mile. And yet I found the book interesting, thought provoking and encouraging. I guess a basic summary would be that the book is about how we can all reach our potential and live satisfying lives. The humanistic psychologist Abraham Maslow termed this "become self-actualised". (Okay Dyer and Maslow both spelled it with a "Z" but I'm English!) These two books didn't hit the nail on the head for me as much as the Bach books did but with the lack of prevailing information I was grateful to them at the time. They provided a fine, barely discernible thread that suggested I might be onto something and that my path, although apparently directionless, might be the right one to be on. The fact that I still have the books and that they are treasured indicates how highly I still regard them; they were basically two fairly important stepping-stones to where I am now. (Leafing through The Sky's The Limit I've just discovered that there is an advertisement in the back for The Silva Mind Control Method along with the quote from Richard Bach. I can't recall but perhaps this is what persuaded me to buy it. See what I mean about looking for clues?)
Throughout this autumn period my sleep continued to be disturbed...
